What being a Witch means to me.....

When I was growing up, my identity was being a patient, a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, a Catholic.  Loving God, and doing good was of the utmost importance.  Listening to the guidance of others in church was supposed to bring comfort, as life is/was a struggle.  Maybe a little more for me than most, as I started out life constantly in the hands of the medical establishment, being poked, prodded, going to therapy, and working very hard to do things that most people totally take for granted. Outwardly, I felt like a sore thumb, and I tried desperately to blend into the wall. (I wore bland, non-descript colors, and fought tooth and nail NOT to wear anything to draw attention.)  I was not happy inside….but I wanted to be!

I looked to church for peace. For belonging. For something I could confidently embrace.  Yet, what I heard when there, did not bring comfort, or confidence.  It was more confirmation of what I really felt inside….God, family and friends loved me, yet I was flawed. Broken.  A sinner, who should strive to be in God’s favor, yet know that I would always fall short….because we are born in sin and only forgiven in Christ.
  I tried for awhile to keep climbing the mountain toward God….but the mountain just grew. I needed a place I could rest as myself in, and be at peace.  Be ok. Not broken…and needing to be fixed.  I needed to FIT.  I finally got tired of fighting….and began to follow my heart.

I loved the mountains, and nature. I was peaceful watching the lodge pole trees sway in the wind for hours.  I was able to realize after awhile, that NATURE, is where I truly found higher power. The AWESOMENESS and magic of the wind…..the strength of a thunderstorm….the smell of freshness after the rain….the warmth of the sun reaching down from the clouds like fingers.  The power of a stream flowing fast, shaping the earth around it.  The beauty of flame……and its power to destroy yet bring new life. We camped a lot as I was growing up…..and it was then, that I was happiest.  That is where I began to awaken to my true self.  

 I had been told stories of my grandmother on my dad’s side reading tea leaves. I secretly was fascinated by that.   My mom always seemed to ‘know’ things that were about to happen….and it was proven to me time and time again, that there was something to that. To me, it was SPIRIT based. Even though the church spoke negatively of these things….everything inside me was drawn to them.  They were a part of me too….and I had suppressed them to fit in with the norm. 

Music has always touched me. The beat of music and life. And knowing that I could choose how to respond to that beat….realizing I didn’t HAVE to respond in any other way than that which felt right to me…..was an awesome understanding. Nature, and divination, and Spells from the heart, filled me with joy.

I began to feel whole when I followed my inner being…..rather than reciting formatted prayers, and having to stand broken because I did wrong. I no longer put on a cover, or mask my true self…to just walk into a building and pray, or to live.  But I had to seek it….not go with the status quo. I needed to rise above the storm I was walking in, and wield its power to transform my own life!

The funny thing?  The complete realization of all this, came to me in college….where I studied Applied Theology.  Applied Theology, is literally, finding Spirit/God/Lord and Lady, where you are. In the little kid whose shoes you tie. In the bird flying above your head. In the elderly woman you visit in a nursing home. Listening to Spirit…the beat of life. Not within church walls…..but in LIFE itself.

We studied Paganism as a religion that allows finding Spirit in everyday things….and I had the ‘ah-HA!’ moment of….I AM ok. The Lord and Lady spoke to me quite loudly….in one of the assignments I was given regarding Paganism.  I was called on, to do a meditation on nature.  “WOW”!  And….how to find God, spirit (Magic?) in Nature. I began to read everything I could get my hands on, about Paganism. It fit…. “I” fit!! 

This, was where I did my first ritual…..which is a topic for another post. But light dawned during my seeking information….I am a Pagan Witch. I began to work with flame, with healing arts, with ritual, with the male and female of everything that is. And in doing so…I truly became…ME.

Ritual, dancing in the beat of life, embracing the magic of the Lord and Lady, and realizing I am NOT a misfit.  I am one that dances with life now….life with the Old Ways…..being a Witch to me….means being me.

I have grown in the way I see my Christian brothers and sisters as well...along with others who choose to walk a different path than my own. Each path speaks to our souls.....each path holds meaning.  Its not about whose path is right...or whose path is wrong. This is about seeking...finding who we each are....loving the Lord and Lady (God and Mary...etc)....and letting that truth shine through.

Said with love for all....Namaste my friends...which means 'I bow to the Spirit within you'.