Monday

In Memory--and in love


My Lord and Lady....I am struggling today. 
Struggling between my humanness, what I feel, what I have seen,  and what I KNOW.  How do I set my emotional , human self apart from the reality of what you have taught me?  I've experienced your realm in this life...I was called home to you for a short time...so I know what happens when we leave this life.....I KNOW because I was there.

Yet....today, I hurt.  

I was faced by 'loss' in two circumstances this past weekend. They both hit my human heart like a ton of bricks.  I've faced a lot of 'loss' in different ways in the past 5 years.  Some instances of it were welcome....some not so much....
The two souls I have had to contemplate loss of this past weekend were NOT welcome loss.....

Judy.....

This lady is nothing short of BEYOND special to me. She was there for me when no one else understood what I was going through...(though others desperately tried to be understanding) and she allowed me to put a barrier up against a barrage of negativity in a time where I really needed to go with my gut...and not feel guilty for doing so.  Judy was able to be lovingly, yet truthfully objective.....and she encouraged me to trust my own instincts.....


We never met face to face....
A HUGE regret I have.

Judy was able to speak strictly from her experiences in life, and feelings about me in a pure way, without letting the day to day circumstances surrounding me filter in. I needed that. She allowed the real me to speak to her....without judgement....and was not afraid to tell me things that I might NOT want to hear....but she did it in a loving way. Differently perspective wise than anyone close to the surrounding events could. She also (along with others) helped me through the uncertainty of my pregnancy, and the loss of my child.  Again, in a fashion that was different than anyone physically standing here with me could. There was just something deeply profound between she and I...that cannot be put into words.

Judy passed away last week...suddenly, unexplainedly. 
The loss I feel is causing physical pain....as she is a true, real friend. The kind of friend that rarely comes in this life. It hurts. This relationship will NEVER be past tense for me. But nor am I ready for it to change.

My Lord and Lady.....I know on most levels of consciousness that I have not 'lost' this beautiful soul....as we do not die. I know...because my body died at one time...yet I went on. It was beautiful....and still is, even though I was sent back here. But my human emotional self--this body, this heart, and my very soul is crying today.  Selfishly so....because of love. And maybe longing....because I want to see her, experience the strength that just shown in her.....and spend time with others that have moved forward in our journey with you. I am happy here in my life now....VERY happy....but I already miss her. 

 Help me to heal this heart and be able to live in love knowing she is at peace...stop the ache and be happy for her....

I know I should....because I've been there.

*******

The second loss I faced this weekend hasn't actually occurred.....but its rearing up to be possible.....

Bootsie


Boots has been a part of our lives since before she was born. Her momma was a kitty we rescued from starvation when she was pregnant.  I watched her birth....I've watched her grow, I've played with her, worried about her....and enjoyed her.
Shes been sick....and we don't know why.  Doctors can't find a reason for it....and we've tried and tried the 'tried and true' methods to make her feel better.  We are having to face the possibility of not having the ability to be anything but  realistic in this crazy world view of what is important.....built on money and credit to survive....over love.  At some point, a difficult choice may have to be made....because THIS world, does not empirically live on love--the way the next life does. I hurt because of that.....

Right now she is ok....sleeping beside me. Her warmth against my leg and sweet paw across my feet.  Seemingly feeling better.....but I ache for her illness.  You have made me as a soul that wants to heal....and wants to love. To reach out and touch others no matter the risk. 

 Now I reach for you to rise above the way loving in this world has its 'endings'.  Help me not be blinded by the veil this world puts on loss such as this. It isnt real....it isnt the way it is. Its not truth.....but the hurt feels true.
I love you.....I want to rise above these feelings back to you!
Memories are bitter sweet......but only in this life.


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