Broken? Or empowered?

I grew up Catholic. In fact, I was someone that held my Christianity as THE most important aspect of life, above all else.  Then....I went to College. Theology school....   and I studied the cultural and world history of the times when Christianity was born.  While the study was Christianity based, we also included other faith paths of the world....and were able to see the similarities, and the differences. Early Christians were broken, poor, politicized people, taught not to think. And those that did think for themselves and did not follow the laws, were traitors meant to be converted.

Culture then was to simply follow the edicts of those in power, without question.  Even the biblical stories of the old testament show this.....God was a vengeful God....and he would smite you if you did not follow the laws to the letter.  They were a simple people, who were looking for leadership, and in fact taught to do just that. And...they were punished to the point of death, if they stepped out of the follower role. Because Government depended on the people looking at them as a Sovereign Government....and giving all they had to accomplish what that authority dictated must occur.  Their very society was based on that foundation. And if their Government was not looked on as sovereign, their way of life would totally collapse. Where then, would they go?  

I began to wonder about some things. Most world religions (though not all)...many older than Christianity....  teach what I call Peaceful Empowerment.  That is to say that with reaching out to higher power, you are able to view the world, yourself, and your life events with peace....and be able to participate in your life by shaping your knowledge, learning from experiences, and draw on strength that higher power enables within us.

I was confused by something intrinsically taught through Catholic homilies, addressed in Christian writings, and shown by those who teach the faith as a big part of the Ministry of Jesus.  And that is, that everyone is broken.  That we need to be on our knees before God, because we are faulted by sin.  Yet, the other side of that, is every Sunday, in the teachings people hear, in some fashion, 'by his stripes, we are healed' is reiterated, over and over again.

It baffled me how we were to embrace healing....yet be told we are to come to higher power broken every Sunday....and because we just are....we still remain broken.  Powerless in effect....until we are again before God, for healing.  Yet, at the same time, we kept being told that Jesus's actions 'finished the healing for us'.

The reason this is important to me, was personal. I am disabled....I was born that way. I have Cerebral Palsy, and I also suffer from chronic pain and fatigue.  I already felt, and in my mind, appeared broken. Not only spiritually, mentally, and emotionally,  but physically.  Outwardly. I didn't see the point  in what was being taught....and I once even went to a faith healer to try and be physically healed.  I couldn't wrap my brain around it.  I wanted that more than ANYTHING....and I went through a lot of emotional stress and turmoil, because even on the outside, I was not  ok.  People never treated me as though I was ok....I was always 'different' than them.  

That is, until I actually realized....that I myself was missing the point.  It dawned on me, that I was bathed in higher power, but not accepting the gift that was there.  Literally, I was letting the words of others snatch it out of my life, by listening to the teaching that we need to come to higher power, as broken souls. Every day...   to be healed. Over...and over....and over.  Does that make sense?  When you look at it, and try to reconcile it, does it fit together like a puzzle piece?  No....not to me.

We make this so hard to grasp, but even with Jesus's ministry, its very simple. Jesus took all the brokenness from us (if you want to look at it through Christianity).....we simply need to make that part of our fabric.  We are not broken....we are learning in this life...and we make mistakes. If you're continually broken--that's what you focus on.  When you call yourself hurt....that's what consumes you. But...when you are healed, you can move forward.  You can learn. You can grow....and sometimes THAT results in more bruises...falls, and pain....but again, they heal. 

I'm in no way saying that being healed the way Christ taught  means we are perfect....we're not. We hurt each other....we make the same decisions over and over.....we get insulted, and we insult. But.....we've spent so much time caught in the fact we do that....we haven't realized that it DOES NOT HAVE TO CONSUME US that we do that.  Consuming usually leads to reaching out for more of the same....because that's the thing out thoughts our focused on.  I want to be consumed with learning more about our world...and about myself. Not crawling in nothing but feeling broken and less that what I am meant to be.

Here's the ah-ha that I went through while studying.....

  We should not continually be apologizing for these things....but acknowledge them...KNOW that higher power surrounds us and will move us  forward---IF WE MOVE OUR FEET. Healed, learning and realizing we can stop those things in our lives.  The best part? We can also help others up! We're not alone in our mistakes....and in learning not to make them.

I realize that a LOT of the problems I had in my life were there because I was constantly on my knees, crawling. Broken. And higher power was reaching down to draw me upward.  I finally accepted.  I don't dwell on  flogging myself anymore for mistakes....or continue to feel guilt. I make them, and I acknowledge that I have, and think about what the mistakes caused in order to learn......but then I lay them down and look forward.  Even if I take a few steps backwards again....I know I need to look up....to look forward.
Even Jesus reached down to help the downtrodden and broken up on their feet....and brought them back to life.  They didn't come back to him the next day, crawling on their knees.....or return crippled to the same spot the next morning begging.  Why is it that some want to return to the place of the beggar?

 Those touched by Jesus did the opposite.  Because--he invited them to move forward.  Humbly....he invited them to be broken no more. And in return, he asked them to embrace their neighbors....helping them up. Inviting them forward.

I walk now....not in brokenness...but in purpose. I know I screw things up. I say things I don't mean.....I do things that aren't perfect....but I'm loved. I've found peaceful empowerment....and now I embrace what my spirit wants to sing....by taking care of the earth, by recognizing that beauty in the differences of every path....even those who crawl on their knees.....and those who reach down to draw them up.I'm not saying my life is without sorrow, and strife.  I am sorry for the mistakes I have made....and I hurt for the times that I have hurt others.....but I realize that I can't fall and stay on the ground....I need to get up and help others up too....and move from that spot.  According to John 3:14--Jesus taught 'Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. What this tells me is that we need to get up off our knees....and do great things together....even though we make mistakes with each other.  Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Pagan, athiest.....we all have this promised to us. Because each of us is here to do something......whether it is a spiritual path, a religious teaching....or just a reason for being here to you.....we're all meant for something.

 We need to reach out....and help each other up....and realize the truth of this message. I realized I spent too long crawling around trying to find the message that was right there.....I just had to look up....to look forward. And move.

I love that Paganism teaches one to reach inward....and draw on the higher power that glows in each of us.  I love that Paganism has allowed me to see that glow around me everywhere....in all things.   I am in awe of it all....of the magick of this life. It is such a rainbow of differences.....and I can never learn enough. I'm happy to pick up my mat and walk.....it is a beautiful thing!