Reflection about the Christian Easter story from a Pagan Perspective

Today is the day Christians commemorate Holy Thursday--the day of the Last Supper, or the day before the death of Jesus Christ on the Cross.

I have to say that I've got kind of a mixed reflection on this....as a former Catholic who has embraced Pagan self.   I honestly feel as though I've gone through several last suppers in my life, facing the death of things I held fast.

The primary last supper and death I've gone through, was of almost complete dependence on the way others viewed me.  I was afraid for years to really come into my own....and spent my time supping on what others thoughts fed me.  This lead to a dark tomb-like me--because I spent so much time trying to be what everyone else told me I was....or should be. Not only fellow Christians, but I judged myself based on EVERYONE around me. Classmates, teachers, my parents, my sibling....friends who weren't actually friends.....and even friends who were friends, genuinely trying to help, but really didn't know me.  I begged and begged to be removed from this....because it was utterly miserable.  I was withdrawn, in tears all the time, anxious, unable to relax....and fearful. But was I really unable to find peace? Or living through a thick illusion?

  I really was like a naive lamb...a sheep....following others to fall off a cliff, and afraid of the future....losing myself in trying to become the impossible.  I found the stone rolled away one day.....when I hit bottom, and realized I just was not happy....and I LITERALLY decided I deserved better from myself in reaction to all of that, and I just got up and moved into the sunlight.  It honestly was that easy. I had to come to the realization that only I know myself. Everyone else is in the same boat....and many are groping along in their own dark tombs--but pretending THEY have it all together about me.....while trying to figure out their own inner beings. I had to realize everyone else goes through the insecurity, and no one walking with me knows the way any more than I do.  And...learn to not find fault or be angry in the fact that they did perceive me in the way they did.   I am still learning to let go of that anger and rigidity in myself...but I know now, it is possible.

 I had to let higher power take me out of the pain and anguish....and rise to find who I really am....through paying attention to the voice of the Lord and Lady from inside my own soul.  They reside there....all it took was me deciding not to listen to the world....and stop crucifying myself through the world's eyes.

From a Pagan perspective--I see myself now in this respect as in the period of new growth. Hatching from the egg of re-birth.....and finding joy in the fertility of learning who I am.  I LOVE not having to feel unworthy, and embracing my humanness....not as a fault...but as a fact. I actually was blinded to the joy of rebirth....and had to choose to let the stone in my way fall aside.  Now, the world is brightly colored, beautiful even in the pain of struggle.  I haven't arrived....I'm not at my final destination, but I'm letting the world fall away....and learning me.....and the sacred walk I have with the Lord and Lady at my side.

The second aspect of life that I went through a Last Supper/ Gethsemane experience about....was the illusion of only one true path toward peace. Toward God, Lord and Lady, Higher Power....or however one may have that concept sown into their very fabric.  I realized that I was also being judgemental about others.....because again, the world we live in always presents THEIR way....as THE way.  I lived by that with Catholicism, and pushed all other thoughts, concepts and realities away.

It really doesn't matter what way one follows in the world.... when you embrace something, its always THE ONLY way.....no matter what....and everyone else is fallen, needing to be corrected, or covered in someone else's belief to make it to God/Lord and Lady, or even just plain old accepted.

I had to realize I was busy hating myself through others' expectations, not accepting myself, and seeing myself as fallen....beaten in this world.....which is where I relate to the Crucifiction. I was truly suffering....miserable, and pierced by the thorns I grabbed ahold of myself.  And....I think I needed to do that....to really appreciate the relief when I realized it did not need to be that way.

 The difference between myself, and Christ, is he knew he was not beaten, fallen.....he accepted himself and reached higher than his surroundings because of that.  He suffered with the surroundings he had, but he was able to reach higher and leave that behind.

I came to know that I have been offered the promise to reach higher. I've walked out of the dark tomb, towards the bright future of that promise.....and the sunlight is dazzling.....

I'm no longer looking at myself as beaten. Nor am I concerned about whether others think I am right or wrong.....
I'm concerned about being. Its none of my concern what others think....what matters now is that I reach forward....and up. with willingness to reach a hand down to the opportunities presented to share with others....when asked.  Trusting in my relationship in Circle with the Lord and Lady, and the cutting away of that which is not welcome with my Athame....I know that when asked, there is a reason to share, .but no reason to expect others to agree or accept my inner self.....that's up to me to accept and work on.

 I'm seeing me in newness....even though I've always been this me.  I am still becoming.....I am still rising.....but I understand the darkness is part of life too.....

I see the tomb now as not a place of death, but transformation. Every time I find myself in a dark place....I'm learning not to crawl around focusing on the dark.....but to learn from it, use it as a transforming force in my being....and again, find the light.

I am empowered......strengthened....and blessed with dark and light. And, I know I will find other tombs from which I will need to emerge....but I also no longer live in doubt that I will come out changed and living in the promise of greater joy!

One final thought passed across my mind as I was writing today. Its about a biblical passage--Matthew 19:23-24:

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. 24Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”

The first verse in this passage speaks to me of living humbly. Not going about saying that one has all the answers, or has it all together. I know that I will always be learning....and discarding things that I do not need to carry.  My burden has been lightened a lot....and the riches around me in the earth, in those I love, and in the knowledge I gain are not mine to own....but to share.   I think what is referenced here is the aspect of becoming too burdened, too fat because of what we choose to carry to pass through that eye. And discarding or giving is continual....much like as the act of moving forward lessens our load.

Lord and Lady, help me recognize when I am burdened by too much stuff...stuck in the dark....and help me reach for the light....leaving un-needed things behind....and not clinging to others' stuff.....I love you!